i will be thin. i will be thin. i will be thin.
i will lose this 30 lbs and i will be free, released from my fatty cocoon.

130.8

exactly where i knew i would be. atleast i had the guts to weigh myself this morning. my plan is to weigh myself every morning, so when i feel like bingeing i can think about how i have to answer to mr. scale and ms. measuring tape . i haven't eaten yet to day and it's 3pm.

'the plan' is to basically get to GW4 by may 27th (lose 20 lbs in one month). i'm honestly not sure about how possible that is. i mean, 20 lbs in one month is rather extensive, but i've done it before. at the very least, i know i can get to 115. i have to. for the sake of everyone else who will be seeing me in a bathing suit, i have to. loser town says i'll be 121.5 on may 27th, but what does a website know? nothing. the numbers have to get lower or i'm just going to cut the fat right off of myself.

getting back on track

i haven't posted since november? strange.

well, life has officially gone down the shitter. i haven't weighed this much in YEARS. literally, years. i honestly think i'm in the 130's. i can't even believe i typed that. i really and truely am completely disgusted with myself. i can't even look in the mirror. all my clothes are tight and i feel like a fucking pig. a stupid, stupid pig.

and you know what? i'm done. i'm done with the 'binges' and the telling myself " oh, you can just eat healthy, you know? you can't just eat when you're hungry and it'll be fine." it's time for new rules. it's time for order and weightloss and control. (well, technically they're old rules) i obviously don't have enough control to eat when i'm 'hungry' so i just won't listen to my body's pleas and demands for food.

800 calories a day or less. period. that's how it is going to be and i just have to suck it up and gain some control back. i'm going to start posting daily updates on my current weight, my meal plan for the day, thoughts. etc. i'm done with feeling like a fatass. i'm done with feeling like a bloated whale in all my clothes.

meal plan for tomorrow:
breakfast : fiber oatmeal (2oo calories)
lunch: fiber bar, light and fit (200 calories)
dinner: venti skinny vanilla lattee (160 calories)

you said what?

i hate the idea that to have anorexia you have to have a bmi of 17.4. so, with all due respect i cant be ana until about a month from now, when i drop 17lbs? bitch, please.

sick

I have been sick for all of this Thanksgiving break. And, let me tell you, it has not been fun. Sitting at home with the food in the refrigerator starring at you 24/7 is never a good way to spend your time. regardless, in reference to my last post, i will no longer let that effect ( is it effect of affect? i never get that one right. and my mother is a lit teacher. go figure) my eating habbits and i will not make excuses for myself anymore!

Today is the first good day I have had in a long while, and i think it's because i've finally reached some level of control and acceptance of myself. i am fat, right now. but give it a month, two months, three months, and a beautifully thin creature will have broken through this distorted exoskeleton at last! I am determined, even though thanksgiving didn't go so well. (it's just me and mum, so she made me all my favorites and we sat down, ate, and had a fantastic time. i don't regret eating, i enjoyed myself and ate the absolutely delicious food my mother made for me with love. Although, i wish it wasn't such a sad holiday. everything from today through december 26th has a sad aura around it... like the pleasure has been sucked right out of it. thanks dad. thanks a whole lot. ) But, even with today's sad aura around it, I am okay. I had my yummy holiday treats and now i'm done, prepared to settle in for the next two grueling weeks of starvation. i'm excited, actually. excited and happy to have finally reached peace with ana; i found her again at a place where she can be my super hero and my comfort, if that doesn't make me sound idiotic. i just know that through her i will reach my goals.

if anyone is actually reading this, though i doubt that they are, i hope you have a lovely thanksgiving and try to enjoy yourselves atleast a little bit.

realization

all i ever do, say, think is 'im so fat, im so this, im so ugly, bitch bitch bitch'. all i ever do is fail. fail fail fail, whine whine whine. so why haven't i fixed it yet?

so, i was thinking last night and then it came to me. i realize HOW i gained control over my eating habbits back in the 'olden days' or the thin days, you could call them - slowly over time, not just jumping into this water fast or that juice fast. so, im sick of being a failure and i'm sick of over eating every day of the week. i want my control back. i've come up with a plan, a pretty clever one in my opinion, that should in theory allow me to gain control over myself in a matter of weeks.

alright, here it is:

breakfast: coffee and cigarettes

lunch: string cheese, a banana

dinner: special k cereal

caloric total: 350

that's not the whole plan, though. just the food portion of it. tomorrow is november 27th, exactly two weeks away from the concert i am going to. realistically, i dont expect myself to lose that much weight in 2 weeks, but i can sure as hell try. i am not going to weigh myself until that two week mark ( december 11th) is up. after those two weeks, i will cut out the banana from my diet so that for the following 2 weeks, i am only consuming 250 calories. see what i'm aiming for?

i'll update in a few days.

i am fat. not just fat, i am obese. at least, last time i checked, everyone else weighing what i weigh was fat.

i don't have to eat, and you can't make me. better yet, i won't be eating thank you. not today, not tomorrow, or any day until thursday. even then, only enough to pass under the radar. i can't wait to be thin, to feel my ribs and hip bones again. to have all my clothes too big, and everyone asking weather i've lost weight.

i can do this, and you can't make me eat.