you said what?

i hate the idea that to have anorexia you have to have a bmi of 17.4. so, with all due respect i cant be ana until about a month from now, when i drop 17lbs? bitch, please.

sick

I have been sick for all of this Thanksgiving break. And, let me tell you, it has not been fun. Sitting at home with the food in the refrigerator starring at you 24/7 is never a good way to spend your time. regardless, in reference to my last post, i will no longer let that effect ( is it effect of affect? i never get that one right. and my mother is a lit teacher. go figure) my eating habbits and i will not make excuses for myself anymore!

Today is the first good day I have had in a long while, and i think it's because i've finally reached some level of control and acceptance of myself. i am fat, right now. but give it a month, two months, three months, and a beautifully thin creature will have broken through this distorted exoskeleton at last! I am determined, even though thanksgiving didn't go so well. (it's just me and mum, so she made me all my favorites and we sat down, ate, and had a fantastic time. i don't regret eating, i enjoyed myself and ate the absolutely delicious food my mother made for me with love. Although, i wish it wasn't such a sad holiday. everything from today through december 26th has a sad aura around it... like the pleasure has been sucked right out of it. thanks dad. thanks a whole lot. ) But, even with today's sad aura around it, I am okay. I had my yummy holiday treats and now i'm done, prepared to settle in for the next two grueling weeks of starvation. i'm excited, actually. excited and happy to have finally reached peace with ana; i found her again at a place where she can be my super hero and my comfort, if that doesn't make me sound idiotic. i just know that through her i will reach my goals.

if anyone is actually reading this, though i doubt that they are, i hope you have a lovely thanksgiving and try to enjoy yourselves atleast a little bit.

realization

all i ever do, say, think is 'im so fat, im so this, im so ugly, bitch bitch bitch'. all i ever do is fail. fail fail fail, whine whine whine. so why haven't i fixed it yet?

so, i was thinking last night and then it came to me. i realize HOW i gained control over my eating habbits back in the 'olden days' or the thin days, you could call them - slowly over time, not just jumping into this water fast or that juice fast. so, im sick of being a failure and i'm sick of over eating every day of the week. i want my control back. i've come up with a plan, a pretty clever one in my opinion, that should in theory allow me to gain control over myself in a matter of weeks.

alright, here it is:

breakfast: coffee and cigarettes

lunch: string cheese, a banana

dinner: special k cereal

caloric total: 350

that's not the whole plan, though. just the food portion of it. tomorrow is november 27th, exactly two weeks away from the concert i am going to. realistically, i dont expect myself to lose that much weight in 2 weeks, but i can sure as hell try. i am not going to weigh myself until that two week mark ( december 11th) is up. after those two weeks, i will cut out the banana from my diet so that for the following 2 weeks, i am only consuming 250 calories. see what i'm aiming for?

i'll update in a few days.

i am fat. not just fat, i am obese. at least, last time i checked, everyone else weighing what i weigh was fat.

i don't have to eat, and you can't make me. better yet, i won't be eating thank you. not today, not tomorrow, or any day until thursday. even then, only enough to pass under the radar. i can't wait to be thin, to feel my ribs and hip bones again. to have all my clothes too big, and everyone asking weather i've lost weight.

i can do this, and you can't make me eat.

i don't know what is wrong with me. i haven't weighed this much in years. LITERALLY YEARS.

i feel bad admitting that i failed since my last post, but yes. i failed. every time i try to eat healthy, i fail. fail fail fail. i fucking hate myself. i feel disgusting, and full. i can't believe what i've done for the past 2 days... scratch that. what i did when i started recovering. i'm so sick of eating...

so, this is my plan.

abstain from food unless you're in a situation where you have to eat something. ie, dinner with mom, or boyfriend, or whomever. pick at it, say you arent hungry, get rid of if.

NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS THIN WILL FEEL.

if loser town is right, i should be 115 in about 2ish weeks. so, i'll weigh myself on november 10th. i have 3 weeks before the concert. if i can manage 5 lbs a week ATLEAST, i'll be atleast moderately presentable for public dancing and such in ATL.

so, no more than 200 calories a day, period. and that's only if someone makes me eat it. i allow myself NOTHING.

this week isn't looking so good, though.

saturday, i'll be in the mountains all day with my boyfriend. i dont plan on eating, just kind of pretending to eat... though, he's staying with me that night. hopefully i wont be expected to eat AGAIN. he'll leave on sunday and i'll just find a way around food until he's gone. i'm in the clear to fast monday- wednesday, but thursday is THANKSGIVING. dun dun dun. eating at a friends, hopefully i can just pick at my food and get away with eating very little.

fasting from 6am friday - 6pm thursday.

coffee, tea, water only.

132 hours of mandatory fasting. im sure i can extend it, seeing as i am not exactly planning on breaking it, anyway.